This is a composite vignette created from recurring themes in my work. It does not describe any one client. Personal circumstances, biographical details and the sequence of the work have been changed or omitted. Its purpose is to illustrate how I work, rather than to report a particular person’s story or promise a particular outcome.
Perfectionism can keep us moving while preventing us from arriving: each achievement becomes another demand rather than something we can fully receive. Sometimes the most challenging question in coaching is not “What will you achieve next?” but “How are you being unkind to yourself right now?”
In this composite vignette, an experienced professional comes to coaching wanting clearer guidance. Despite considerable ability and evidence of success, they frequently doubt whether they are doing a good enough job. They hope that a coach will help them identify what they are doing wrong, become more effective and finally feel confident in their position.
At first, the problem appears to be one of performance. Yet as we explore their experience, a recurring pattern becomes visible. Each achievement is quickly followed by an assessment of what could have been done better. Appreciation is qualified, success is discounted and attention moves almost immediately towards the next challenge. Even a minor criticism or disappointment can overshadow everything that has gone well.
The person is highly motivated and capable of sustained effort. The difficulty is not an inability to achieve, but an inability to feel the satisfaction of having achieved. Their impostor feelings persist because external evidence of competence is repeatedly prevented from becoming part of how they experience themselves.
In Gestalt terms, I understand this as an interruption near the completion of the cycle of experience. A need arises, energy is mobilised and action is taken—but the resulting experience is not fully absorbed and integrated. Before satisfaction and withdrawal can occur, self-monitoring begins again: “Was it good enough?”, “What did I miss?” or “What must I prove next?”
Gestalt theory sometimes uses the word egotism to describe this interruption. Here, it does not mean vanity or an exaggerated sense of importance. It refers to standing slightly outside our own experience and evaluating ourselves so closely that we cannot fully enter the moment, receive what is available or allow an experience to become complete.
This pattern can also affect professional relationships. When someone cannot experience their own work as sufficient, it may be difficult for the contributions of others to feel sufficient either. Standards continue to rise, completed work is rapidly replaced by another demand, and colleagues may experience an atmosphere of urgency in which little can be enjoyed or allowed to settle. Ambition continues to expand, but satisfaction and connection become increasingly difficult.
My role as a coach is not simply to help the person become even more productive. Coaching also involves challenge, and sometimes the most useful challenge is to interrupt the relentless movement towards the next task.
I might ask:
- “How are you being unkind to yourself right now?”
- “What happens when you allow this achievement to be enough for this moment?”
- “Can you stay with what you have accomplished before deciding what must happen next?”
These questions are not invitations to abandon ambition or accept work that falls below an appropriate standard. They invite the person to distinguish striving for excellence from continually punishing themselves for being imperfect.
The same pattern may enter the coaching relationship through an urgency to receive the correct answer, pressure for every session to produce immediate value or difficulty accepting recognition without qualifying it. I do not need to treat this as an attack or enter a competition to prove my competence. Instead, I can remain present, offer an honest challenge and help the person notice how quickly the possibility of receiving support is replaced by another evaluation.
Self-compassion can then become more than a comforting idea. It becomes a different way of responding to difficulty: recognising limitations without humiliation, learning from mistakes without turning them into evidence of inadequacy, and allowing achievement to be experienced before moving onwards. This can also affect how the person leads, making greater space for other people’s contributions, limits and different ways of working.
The ending of coaching offers an important opportunity to practise this. Rather than rushing immediately towards the next objective, we can pause, look back at what has happened, acknowledge what has been learned and notice what can now be taken forward. We can also recognise what remains unfinished and say goodbye without treating the ending as either a failure or something to pass over quickly.
Completing a cycle does not mean that there is nothing more to learn or achieve. It means allowing ourselves to receive an experience, integrate it and rest before the next need emerges. Success can then become something we inhabit—not merely another demand we must outrun.
